How to turn lust into love
2008/06/19
LOVE, when misdiagnosed, can hurt.
It is often confusing at the beginning of a relationship to know whether you are in love or lust, because both are powerful, all-consuming feelings.
In the dictionary, love is described as having strong feelings of affection for another person and feeling romantically and sexually attracted to them. It is described as a warm attachment and unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.
Lust, however, is when you have an overwhelming desire or craving: a lust for power over the other person, usually intense or unbridled sexual desire.
Love is about wanting to share your life, whereas lust is often an obsessive desire, with your pleasure the main focus.
Kathleen Darcy, 28, from the inner Brisbane suburb of Milton says: "I knew it was not right with my former boyfriend, even though I mistook my intense feelings for love at the time.
"I would have done anything for this guy and spent the whole relationship bouncing from this exuberated high to a depressing low, where I would question my will to live at the thought of losing him.
"Love is not supposed to feel like that, it felt too negative, too crazy.
"I became totally obsessed with him and was uncontrollable, to my personal detriment and that of the relationship."
According to author and relationship correspondent Matthew Fitzgerald, this confusion is common and evolves because love and lust are inextricably linked.
"With lust you are totally focused on the other person's looks, you don't really care about what they have to say, only when they will see you," Fitzgerald says.
"You also only ever think about having sex with him/her and are happy to leave after this. With love you still have great chemistry but you find them attractive all the time, even when they look terrible.
"With love, you want to spend more time with the person. You start to see a future with them in it.
"This person will bring out your really romantic side, too. You are very defensive of them and they make you want to be a better person."
Brendan (surname withheld), 29, from northside Chermside says: "With Kerrie I knew it was different. I stopped focusing on myself all the time and started to think more about her feelings.
"My previous relationship was very intense with lots of great sex but that fizzled quickly. I realised I wanted more but not with this person, even though I had really been smitten with her initially.
"I guess that is the difference."
Authors, Dr Charles D. Schmitz and Dr Elizabeth A. Schmitz, aka "The Marriage Doctors", say one of the questions they are most frequently asked is: "How do I know if I am in love?"
Through 25 years of research on couples in love, they categorise symptoms of love into seven main areas:
Physical
BEING in love means you have a positive physical reaction when you think of the other person. This can be goose-bumps, a palpitating heart and tingling all over the body.
Emotional
BEING in love is emotional and you feel emotions that you do not routinely feel for others. When you think about or see the person you love, most lovers report similar feelings - "I laugh more often when I am with this person", "an uncontrollable smile comes over my face whenever I see her".
Future plans
THIS is the point in love when you begin to think about the future - your future with the one you love. You cannot imagine your life without him or her because they have now become your future.
Positive worry
LITTLE thoughts about the one you love begin to creep into your mind - things like car accidents, falling down, getting hurt at work or getting sick. These thoughts are normal and natural when you are in love.
Oneness
YOU begin to think about your lover and not just about yourself or your needs. You think about their wants, their needs and their desires. The feeling of oneness consumes you.
Pre-occupation
YOU think about the one you love most of the time. You can't get them out of your mind. You pull their photo out of your wallet and it makes you smile. You are pre-occupied with them, and everything that happens in your day somehow reminds you of them. You want to share all your experiences with them.
Self-expression
YOU have the courage to tell them you love them, without fear of consequence. Suddenly out of nowhere you want to scream: "I love, you, I love you, I love you."
It is often confusing at the beginning of a relationship to know whether you are in love or lust, because both are powerful, all-consuming feelings.
In the dictionary, love is described as having strong feelings of affection for another person and feeling romantically and sexually attracted to them. It is described as a warm attachment and unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.
Lust, however, is when you have an overwhelming desire or craving: a lust for power over the other person, usually intense or unbridled sexual desire.
Love is about wanting to share your life, whereas lust is often an obsessive desire, with your pleasure the main focus.
Kathleen Darcy, 28, from the inner Brisbane suburb of Milton says: "I knew it was not right with my former boyfriend, even though I mistook my intense feelings for love at the time.
"I would have done anything for this guy and spent the whole relationship bouncing from this exuberated high to a depressing low, where I would question my will to live at the thought of losing him.
"Love is not supposed to feel like that, it felt too negative, too crazy.
"I became totally obsessed with him and was uncontrollable, to my personal detriment and that of the relationship."
According to author and relationship correspondent Matthew Fitzgerald, this confusion is common and evolves because love and lust are inextricably linked.
"With lust you are totally focused on the other person's looks, you don't really care about what they have to say, only when they will see you," Fitzgerald says.
"You also only ever think about having sex with him/her and are happy to leave after this. With love you still have great chemistry but you find them attractive all the time, even when they look terrible.
"With love, you want to spend more time with the person. You start to see a future with them in it.
"This person will bring out your really romantic side, too. You are very defensive of them and they make you want to be a better person."
Brendan (surname withheld), 29, from northside Chermside says: "With Kerrie I knew it was different. I stopped focusing on myself all the time and started to think more about her feelings.
"My previous relationship was very intense with lots of great sex but that fizzled quickly. I realised I wanted more but not with this person, even though I had really been smitten with her initially.
"I guess that is the difference."
Authors, Dr Charles D. Schmitz and Dr Elizabeth A. Schmitz, aka "The Marriage Doctors", say one of the questions they are most frequently asked is: "How do I know if I am in love?"
Through 25 years of research on couples in love, they categorise symptoms of love into seven main areas:
Physical
BEING in love means you have a positive physical reaction when you think of the other person. This can be goose-bumps, a palpitating heart and tingling all over the body.
Emotional
BEING in love is emotional and you feel emotions that you do not routinely feel for others. When you think about or see the person you love, most lovers report similar feelings - "I laugh more often when I am with this person", "an uncontrollable smile comes over my face whenever I see her".
Future plans
THIS is the point in love when you begin to think about the future - your future with the one you love. You cannot imagine your life without him or her because they have now become your future.
Positive worry
LITTLE thoughts about the one you love begin to creep into your mind - things like car accidents, falling down, getting hurt at work or getting sick. These thoughts are normal and natural when you are in love.
Oneness
YOU begin to think about your lover and not just about yourself or your needs. You think about their wants, their needs and their desires. The feeling of oneness consumes you.
Pre-occupation
YOU think about the one you love most of the time. You can't get them out of your mind. You pull their photo out of your wallet and it makes you smile. You are pre-occupied with them, and everything that happens in your day somehow reminds you of them. You want to share all your experiences with them.
Self-expression
YOU have the courage to tell them you love them, without fear of consequence. Suddenly out of nowhere you want to scream: "I love, you, I love you, I love you."
0 comment: to “ How to turn lust into love ”
Posting Komentar